Back in the fall I had a dream where I was standing in the midst of rubble—the ruins of a city, a representation of much that has happened in my life over the last five years. In the dream, a woman dressed in white and came to me. She took my hand, looked in my eyes and said, “This is enough. We’ve stared at our pain long enough. There’s nothing more to do here. It’s time to move on.”
Then she guided me down from the pile of debris.
Staring, strewing, regretting, wondering if I could’ve changed things, what life might have been if I’d made different choices—that’s what the pile of rubble had become for me. The broken pieces of what was or could’ve been.
The woman held my hand as she lead me to a path by a river and said, “You are not as stuck as you think, my dear. It’s time to move on from this place. Sometimes the answer lies in the journey elsewhere.”
I’m a loyalist at heart. I want to see a project to completion. I want to finish what I’ve started. I want to stay and clean up the pieces. I want to see what can be made by what’s been left behind. But I’m learning that sometimes to heal we can’t rebuild from broken pieces and broken ways.
I’ve learned I’m a loyalist whose loyalty is often shaped by shame, guilt, and an unrealistic sense of responsibility. As my counselor reminds me, if shame worked then I would’ve mastered my struggles by now.
I’ve been learning, oh so slowly learning, and practicing that what was uprooted, dismantled, or broken doesn’t necessarily need to be rebuilt.
It is okay, even needed, to move on. To journey elsewhere.
That’s what I’m taking with me into this new year.
The wholehearted belief that I can move through each day without guilt or shame or regret motivating me to act. I can be gentle with myself and take the time I need. I’m continuing last year’s intentions to embrace a more sustainable writing practice, less social media/screens, more sleep. Less shoulda-coulda-woulda and more ‘You did the best you could with where you were at and what you knew.’ Oh, and dismantling hustle/productivity culture in my life.
You must know that if you follow a path, you will end up where it takes you. Which path will you follow?
Romans 6:16 (First Nations Verison)
I’m following the path toward healing.
Writerly Updates:
The Wistful Wild: Fairy Tale Poems of Longing & Ferocity comes out on February 1st! You can pre-order it wherever you buy books.
Currently Writing…
I took a writing break over the November/December holidays and am just dipping my toes back in. I have three projects at different stages I’m working on:
1 - The Haunting of Magnolia Woods. This is my active WIP. My goal is to have the have the 1950s POV timeline drafted by the beginning of March. I’m telling myself to be flexibile and listen to what the story needs and is telling me. Not to glue myself to my outline.
2 - The Sea and All Its Stars. My goal is to re-read this without judgment. At some point I need to edit the first third, but right now my goal is to read as a reader. I’ve uploaded it to my Kindle as an ePub file in hopes that I’ll not try to edit as I read.
3 - My fun project, Mon Loup et Mon Lune. My don't put timelines or deadlines on it. My for the love of writing project. I don't even know all the details yet. But, it's a dark academia, paranormal romance set in the 1960s (maybe 50s?) inspired by the original, original Beauty and the Beast (Villeneuve). I wrote about 5,000 words of on it during winter break. My only goal is to spend a little time with the story and write down scenes that are playing like a movie in my head without trying to figure out where they belong.
Reading…
Winter break brought me a season of mood reading without necessarily finishing, so I’ve been working through things I started in the last month.
Recently Finished:
The Heroine with 1001 Faces by Maria Tatar (highly recommend)
The Story Cure by Dinty W. Moore (helpful writing exercises)
Faoladh by Brandi Gann (a cottagecore, fairy tale novella)
Currently Reading:
Try Softer by Aundi Kolber (recommended by my counselor)
The Daughter of Doctor Moreau by Silvia Moreno-Garcia
Songs of the Wicked by C.A. Farran
Smoke Show by Aimee Vance & B. Perkins
A Sky Beyond the Storm by Sabba Tahir (I’ve been reading this series alongside my eldest)
The Origin of Others by Toni Morrison
Monster, She Wrote: The Women Who Pioneered Horror & Speculative Fiction by Lisa Kroger & Melanie R. Anderson
Orphaned Believers: How a Generation of Christian Exiles Can Find the Way Home by Sara Billups
Watching…
I caught up with season 6 and 7 of Grantchester over winter break. I have a soft spot for cozy murder mysteries and Anglican priests.
I recently started Reservation Dogs (I know, I know…I’m late to the game) and the The Bear. Enjoying both.
Listening…
I’ve been listening to Sharon Blackie’s The Enchanted Life: Unlocking the Magic of the Everyday on my walks.
As for music, I’ve been testing out different songs on my mood playlist for Mon Loup. Right now, it’s some Taylor Swift (3am), George Ezra (“The Sweetest Human Being Alive”), and various songs by Ashe, Lizzy McAlpine, and Allison Russell.
Also on repeat is Emily Scott Robinson’s “Old Gods.” Oh, I love that song. Check out her album Built on Bones. It’s a nod to the women of Macbeth.
Looking ahead…
I feel out of practice writing these blog-like posts, but I’d like to do them more often. I imagine monthly updates will be a little longer (like this one), but I hope to write shorter pieces a few times a month.
Let me know—
what you’re listening to, reading, or watching these days.
I love posts like this and I so enjoyed reading yours. Ooh ooh you're a cozy mystery fan? I also love Grantchester–reminds me so much of the BBC adaptations of Miss Marple and Poirot I used to watch with my grandparents & aunt, but with personal angst/character development for the sleuths.